Cronomicon Ex Draconis Rexii Astartes

[Tuor]

Canticulus Unus

The Battle Barge Vengance screamed through the Warp. The Marines gathered in the Great Hall, tonight they would hear the tale of their Chapter The Dragon Kings in days of old they had ridden into battle on their legendary steeds the Star-Drakes but the last Drake had died three thousand years ago at the claws of a now dead Harridian now they fought in Land Raiders and Speeders. With the death of the last Drake many marines died from physic shock and they had lost much of the knowledge and their fighting spirit, but hope was kindled anew for there were rumors of a planet that contained a cache of Drake eggs and the draklings minds would hold the accumulated knowledge of the chapter and much of the Imperium, along with information about new technologies and forgotten physic lore and the memories of the Chapters Marines

Chapter King Scathrax raised his armoured hand, the hall fell silent outside the massive stained glass viewports they could see the bright explosiveness of the warp clashing against the Gellar Fields

"Long after the Primarch Horus was killed, and the false emperor was entombed our Chapter was founded no one is exactly sure were we came from some say it was a mix of Dark Angels and Salamanders or their geneseed and the novices who were given the seed were taught by Dark Angels and Salamanders and they came from a now destroyed feral world where the soldiers were a type called a 'Cataphract' some say it was a mix of all three but in spite of endless talk and few frustratingly vague mentionings from old scraps of vellum whose legitimacy is very much in doubt no one knows for sure," He paused, "But that may soon change."

Every marine sat up and the hall was filled with rumbling mutters. Scathrax raised his hand again when the mutters subsided he raised his hand again and flames shot out from massive Bronze colored ceramite head carved in the likeness of snarling dragons light flooded the caverenous hall and deepened the remaining shadows
"Brothers a day ago Librarian-Dreadnought Vesuvius caught the fragments of a message from the Astronomicon as he meditated now while it was fragmented he did get one very clear image that of a cluster of eggs in a volcano, seven of them to be exact. . . each was no smaller than a cubit in length and diameter and no larger than two cubits in length and diameter and they were colored red-black."

This time the talk was much louder and to Scathrax sounded not unlike the chatter of a Storm Bolter when it died down he continued

"This planet is as you may have guessed our destination the message also indicates Tyranids and Vesuvius did catch the image of metal skeletons and space marines. . . Marines with eight pointed stars on their armour, our mission is to evac any humans down below find the volcano and retreat back to Ultaaran."

"So you have spent the chapters fortune on the new armour and left our Planet wide open to attack just because of some 'vision'? That a half-insane machine 'saw'?" Rang out a smooth voice, that of Company Prince Ivaron.
Sathrax winced internally under his leadership the chapters fortunes never that good with the drakes dead had plummeted. Due to a misunderstanding the Grey Knights had killed three hundred of them and then they had beaten by the Tau, the fething Tau for the Love of El'Jonson and they had lost most of their Tanks in that debacle

"Would you prefer to have your old armour back? there are plenty of new brothers who would die to have it. Oh and Ivar, don't call dreadoughts insane that's idiotic even for you." A few appreciative chuckles rang out

"When your finished gorging your faces," he continued, "Fall out to your quarters after you go finish in the practice cages. . . Say a day or three?"

If looks could kill Scathrax would have been so much nuclear slime


To be continued

[Tengal Krakenbane]

Awesomely interesting story. I actually bothered to read it through, and that is something. Space Marines and Dragons, very epic. Do continue with this but also take a look on the writing itself, it's very difficult to read at times as you forget to put a comma or end a sentence completely.

[Raukov]

[CHOP]
Critism is okay, being rude, is not.

[Tuor]

Canticulus Duos


Drop pods screamed down and were met by a storm of death. Many exploded and others breached spilling their passengers through the air.
Scathrax winced when Vesuvius' voice was adruptly cut off, he could imagine his brother's chassis falling through the air knowing he was doomed and unable to do a thing about it - that would be hell for an Astartes- Scathrax was jolted from his reverie when his world turned white and red with the impact and opening of the Drop-Pod. He staggered out and was knocked back by a hail of Bolter Fire. He raised his Assault shield and ran behind the rubble of what had been the Governers Palace, the giant aquila now laying shattered on the ground. No gallant charges for him, that only happened in bad Holos. He raised his Bolter and snapped off a burst and ducked back from return fire. He stood to snap off another burst when a Chaos Marine charged over the rubble screaming:
"Death to the False Emperor! Hail Horus!"
Scathrax wondered why they kept saying that, the 'Emperor' was long dead his corpse locked in a throne.
"Death to the False Emperor!" Scathrax replied
The marine seemed suprised that a Imperial Marine would say that, Scathrax took advantage of the fools suprise and shattered his head with a swipe of his Lightning Claw. He turned in time to see a screaming daemonette leap through the air and land on him snarling and tearing at his helmet.

Imrithis ducked a blow and severed the chaos marine's head, the corpse falling back, blood spurting out in a crimson fountain. A missile screamed past, rupturing the Chapters last Rhino. A squad of Terminators charged past and were promptly cut down by missile fire. Imrithis swore softly and focused his powers honed by a decade of training in the Librarium, a chaos marines head exploded but his body kept charging laughter emerging from the ruins of his neck his arm swept out throwing Imrithis to the ground and then the foul things Chain-Ax swept down.

Ivaron squeezed the triggers of his Land Raiders Storm Bolter, another Tyranid fell, his company had been scouting when they discovered the Tyranids, Ivaron fired again at the lead Tyranid the Bolts hit the Carnifex dead on but the damn thing kept coming, he swore and yelled down the hatch.
"Hit it, with everything we've got, shoot it! shoot it!"
Too, little, too late the Carnifex leaped up and landed on top the of the Tank its massive claw swinging down at him.


He awoke he couldn't remember what happened he tried to stand but he couldn't darkness took him, he awoke again and tried to use his arms but one of them wouldn't work but with other he managed to claw his way forward his sensorium picked up heat, lots of it. He tried to keep going but he faded out again. . .


To be continued

[Paraicj]

Drop pods screamed down and were met by a storm of death. Many exploded and others breached spilling their passengers through the air.
Scathrax winced when Vesuvius' voice was adruptly cut off. He could imagine his brother's chassis falling through the air, knowing he was doomed and unable to do a thing about it - that would be hell for an Astartes. Scathrax was jolted from his reverie as his world turned white and red with the opening of the drop-pod. He staggered and was knocked back by a hail of Bolter Fire. He raised his Assault shield and ran behind the rubble of what had been the Governers Palace, the giant aquila now lying shattered on the ground. No gallant charges for him, that only happened in bad Holos. Instead, he raised his Bolter and snapped off a burst and ducked back from return fire. He stood to snap off another burst when a screaming Chaos Marine charged over the rubble screaming (Screaming twice? Get rid of the 1st), "Death to the False Emperor! Hail Horus!"

Scathrax wondered why they kept saying that the 'Emperor was already dead. (What? Scathrax thinks the Emperor is already dead or he's surprised the Chaos guys say this? Punctuation makes it impossible to know) "Death to the False Emperor!" He replied, surprising the enemy long enough to shatter his head with a swipe of his Lightning Claw. He turned in time to see a screaming daemonette leap through the air and land on him, snarling and tearing at his helmet.

Imrithis ducked a blow and severed the chaos warrior's (Marine's?) head, the corpse falling back, blood spurting out in a crimson fountain. A missile screamed past, rupturing the Chapters last Rhino. A squad of Terminators charged past and were promptly cut down by missile fire. Imrithis swore softly and focused his abilities a chaos marines head exploded but his body kept charging laughter emerging from the ruins of his neck his blade swept throwing Imrithis to the ground and then the blade swept down. (This last sentence is too hard to understand. Imrithis focused his abilities. Does this cause the explosion of the head? Where did the blade sweep the first time, before it swept down? Rethink it, I'd say)

Ivaron squeezed the triggers of his Land Raider's Storm Bolter. The Bolts hit the Carnifex (What? Were they not fighting Chaos? Why introduce this here?) dead on, but the damn thing kept coming. He swore and yelled down the hatch ,"Hit it with everything we've got, shoot it! shoot it!" Too, little, to late (Too little, too late). The Carnifex leaped up and landed on the Tank's Storm Bolter (How did it fit? Carnifex on Storm-bolter?), its massive claw swinging down at him.


He awoke. He couldn't remember what happened. He tried to stand but he couldn't. Darkness took him. He awoke again and tried to use his arms but one of them wouldn't work. With other he managed to claw his way forward. His sensorium picked up heat, lots of it. He tried to keep going, but he faded out again...


To be continued

Tuor, it doesn't matter how enthusiastic you are, or how great your ideas and imagination may be if your basic punctuation makes the piece unreadable. Before you post, read through it. If you pause during a sentence, there should be a full stop there (Or period, if you're from state-side). Commas break up the flow, while continuing a sentence, so should be used to keep the same idea going. Without them, the only comments you'll get round here are going to be about the lack of them.

This one is a bit incoherent: the Carnifex appearing, the rambling nature of the sentences, the lack of any sense of "being there". I'd start over, focus on one of the characters, and go into a bit more detail of the moment, rather than these sketches. It might draw a reader in more.

I'm not trying to be overly harsh or anything, but it's just not well written, especially from a grammatical point of view. While grammar isn't particularly important on the forum for replies and tactics etc, when writing a story, it is central. Without good grammar and flow, it's impossible to read. Your last paragraph has zero full stops and needs 4 or 5 to flow right.

[Tuor]

Thanks ParcaiJ I will do as you suggested

[Tuor]

Hey I'm the first user to post in the new forum (WOOT! ) All hail me!

More of the story to come later BTW