Sea Guard Commandant draft

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Son of Khaine
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Sea Guard Commandant draft

#1 Post by Son of Khaine »

As he spat over the side of the heaving sides of the ship, he admired her,
She was a beautiful ship, from her carved griffin head to her carved stern, She was beautiful but deadly, oh yes The Deathheart was his flagship, his home and his battle ground.

He was a Commandant in lord Aislin's grand fleet, a veteran of the Norse wars, He had Fought in the old world, Lustria, Tilea, Arby and the most hated Naggaroth,(by the gods he hated that land.) It had all started in the reign of the ninth Phoenix king,Morvael. His grand father,a mighty Prince of Eatine, took his household of knights and his fierce Griffin, Deathheart.

Leaving his son he left for the Griffin gate.He was ambused on the way by the cursed Druchii, they killed all of his men and Deathhheart, But took him prisoner and crucified him, there he was tortured for a day and a night before the killed him.

Upon hearing this my father left for Charce to join Mentheus's army, there he was treated as an outsider by all except a young Sapherian mage. In that campaign they performed a great many deeds of valour, until the assault on Anlec.

There he lost his closest friend and his greatest general. After that he retired from active duty and went home to start a family.

Alright it's a rough draft any help is appreciated especially on name's.


Thanks for reading this Son Of Khaine
Last edited by Son of Khaine on Thu Feb 12, 2009 8:48 pm, edited 10 times in total.
Life of my life, Death’s bitter sword
Hath severed us like a broken word,
Rent us in twain who are but one...
Shall the flesh survive when the soul is gone?
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Dannaron
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#2 Post by Dannaron »

As he spat over the side of the heaving sides of the ship,he admired her:
She was a beautiful ship, from her carved griffin head to her to her Only one needed carved stern,she was beautiful but deadly. The Deathheart was his flagship, his home and his battle ground.

He was a Commandant in lord Aislin's grand fleet, a veteran of the Norse wars. He had fought in the old world, Lustria, Tilea, Arby and the most hated Naggaroth (by the gods he hated that land.) It had all started in the reign of the ninth Phoenix king, Morvael. His grand father a mighty Prince of Eatine, took his household one word of knights and fierce Griffin, Deathheart.

Leaving his son he left for the Griffin gate. He was ambused on the way by the cursed Druchii: they killed all of his men and Deathhheart. But crucified him and took him to the Griffon Gate, where he was tortured day and night and then slain.

Upon hearing this my father left for Charce to join Mentheus's army, there he was treated as an outsider by all except a young Sapharin Mage .In that campaign the performed a great many deeds of valour,until the assault on Anlec.

There he lost his closest friend and his greatest general.After that he retired from active duty and went home to start a family.
Explanations:
- You always need a space between commas and/or full stops and the next word. I figure that might just be something on the forum eating your formatting, but it happened pretty consistently.
- Sentences have more impact if you restrict them to one idea. Two is acceptable as well if the ideas are linked: three or more is really pushing it.
- A related note to the first, try to keep your paragraphs aligned with one "theme." All the sentences and ideas should be about roughly the same thing.
- If you hadn't told us that the characters weren't named, we wouldn't have noticed. As a side-note, I often find that Ancient Greek names make brilliant elven names.
- Related to the first, do not break fourth wall in the midst of your story, it destroys the fantasy and emotional impact instantly. If you don't know how things are spelled or some such, leave a note after the story is finished to ask.
- Try to organise sentences chronologically, it means they can be read without tying your mind in knots.

That's about all for now, I hope to he more of this commandant!
Avorndril enlui! Soeth et ellesius Avorndril!
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Son of Khaine
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#3 Post by Son of Khaine »

How's that and I'm thinking for part two i should cover what's happening now hint were going to Lustria. How's Heartseeker for a name for a magical ax.

Son Of Khaine
Life of my life, Death’s bitter sword
Hath severed us like a broken word,
Rent us in twain who are but one...
Shall the flesh survive when the soul is gone?
DarkTyrany22
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#4 Post by DarkTyrany22 »

The proper term is Sapherian mages.
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Son of Khaine
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#5 Post by Son of Khaine »

Alright changed that. Are mages attached to the seaguard?

Thanks, Son Of Khaine
Life of my life, Death’s bitter sword
Hath severed us like a broken word,
Rent us in twain who are but one...
Shall the flesh survive when the soul is gone?
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Dannaron
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#6 Post by Dannaron »

Erm, it's a tiny bit better, but you did sorta ignore most of the things I pointed out... Try looking at all the bold bits, including full stops and colons and such.

There're strong suggestions that mages are attached to anything. There were also mage options in the Lord Aislinn list too, so I'd say a definite yes :)
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#7 Post by Allerion »

in "defenders of ulthuan" mages were aboard ships, so im going with yes, mages are attached to the sea guard
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Son of Khaine
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#8 Post by Son of Khaine »

Is Defenders of Ulthuan any good?

Son Of Khaine
Life of my life, Death’s bitter sword
Hath severed us like a broken word,
Rent us in twain who are but one...
Shall the flesh survive when the soul is gone?
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