For Ulthuan

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Tuor
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For Ulthuan

#1 Post by Tuor »

Varan stood in his stirrups surveying the battle field it was going badly for the Children of Asuryan the Cold One Knights had overwhelmed the Silver Helms and devoured the the Spearelves the Phoenix Guards lay dead on the crimson ground and although they fought well defeat was inevitable for the brave men of Chrace. Varan drew his lance and riding down the line called out to his brethren
"Men of Caledor now is the hour, oaths you have taken now I call on you to fulfill them, for your women, for your children, for Ulthuan!"
"For Ulthuan." They roared
His heart swelled near to bursting at the sight of the mighty Soldiers of Caledor
"There may come a day when the Phoenix Guards cry out in pain, when the Chracians run in fear, when the sky is filled with the cries of the innocent and flames of a burning Ulthuan, an hour of Daemons and broken blades but even then the sons of Caledor will stand and die for Ulthuan!"
"For Ulthuan!" they roared.
The charging Cold Ones halted and reared
"Ride now, Ride Now for Ulthuan!"
"For Ulthuan!"
Varan spurred his Destrier forward into the fray. The Druchii looked up to see the sons of caledor bearing down on them with righteous fury with the wind on their faces and the sun at their backs then the Caledorans let loose their Horses, Kaela Mensha Khaine! What power! The Caledorans slammed into the druchhi lines.

Varan threw down the stump of his lance and drew his Longsword thrusting for the joints and the gaps as one the Caledorans slaugthered the Druchii, the Pheonix Guards were rightly feared, the White Lions were mighty but they were warriors not Soldiers and warriors were easy meat for Soldiers and the druchii were warriors and an assasins skill count not against a cavalry charge the druchii wavered then they broke and fled for their ships but they wouldn't get far, the Dragon Lords had tasted blood and they wanted more not one drucchi survived

Varan wiped the blood off his blade and sheathed it with a click, he looked at the druchii corpses and their burning ships and a cruel grin worked its way across his face
"Victory." Was all he said then he turned his horse and rode to join his brethren
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Son of Khaine
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#2 Post by Son of Khaine »

Nice shortStory although it sounds like you liked return of the king :D

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Prince_Asuryan
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Re: For Ulthuan

#3 Post by Prince_Asuryan »

Tuor wrote: Varan threw down the stump of his lance and drew his Longsword thrusting for the joints and the gaps as one the Caledorans slaugthered the Druchii, the Pheonix Guards were rightly feared, the White Lions were mighty but they were warriors not Soldiers and warriors were easy meat for Soldiers and the druchii were warriors and an assasins skill count not against a cavalry charge the druchii wavered then they broke and fled for their ships but they wouldn't get far, the Dragon Lords had tasted blood and they wanted more not one drucchi survived
Paragraphs tend to have full stops in them.

Seriously, you need to work on grammer and punctuation. THEN the content. Then we may have a story.

Seriously, this whole line:
he White Lions were mighty but they were warriors not Soldiers and warriors were easy meat for Soldiers and the druchii were warriors
Doesn't even make sense when I add grammer into it... The White Lions are warriors, not soldiers. But the Druchii are also warriors. But Warriors are easy for soldiers to kill...

Who are the soldiers in this story???
:roll:
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Dannaron
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#4 Post by Dannaron »

Without trying to sound too harsh, I'd find your stories much easier to read if they were properly punctuated. It gives the reader an idea of the flow and rhythm of the words and thus helps to define the picture, as well as just making it easier to understand. So:
Varan stood in his stirrups surveying the battle field. It was going badly for the Children of Asuryan. The Cold One Knights had overwhelmed the Silver Helms and devoured the the (only one the) Spearelves. The Phoenix Guard lay dead on the crimson ground and although they fought well defeat was inevitable for the brave men of Chrace. Varan drew his lance and rode down the line, calling out to his brethren.
As a rule of thumb, you should always attempt just one idea per sentence. The reader follows along to the full stop, pauses, deciphers what has just happened, and then continues to the next one.

As a random aside, it calls him Varan here and Vayan later. Probably just a typo.

"Men of Caledor! Now is the hour! Oaths you have taken: I now call on you to fulfill them, for your women, for your children, for Ulthuan!"
"For Ulthuan!" They roared.
Vayan's heart swelled near to bursting at the sight of the mighty Soldiers of Caledor.
"There may come a day when the Phoenix Guard cry out in pain, when the Chracians run in fear, when the sky is filled with the cries of the innocent and the flames of a burning Ulthuan, an hour of Daemons and broken blades, but even then the sons of Caledor will stand and die for Ulthuan!"
"For Ulthuan!" they roared.
This is not the only way that speech can be punctuated, it depends on the emphasis that you want to give certain sections. Which is another reason why using the right marks is important, as it conveys which words or sentences you want Vayan to stress.
Since the Phoenix Guard is a regimental name you don't have to pluarlise it to show that there are more than one. There is one Phoenix Guard and one unit of Phoenix Guard.
If someone is roaring something then that nessecitates an exclamation mark every time, since you can't really roar something indifferently.
The charging Cold Ones halted and reared. why?
"Ride now, ride now for Ulthuan!" Vayan cried.
"For Ulthuan!"
Varan spurred his destrier forward into the fray. The Druchii looked up to see the sons of caledor bearing down on them with righteous fury, the wind on their faces and the sun at their backs. The Caledorans let loose their horses, (?) Kaela Mensha Khaine! What power! The Caledorans slammed into the druchhi lines.
I can see you striving for all the epic impact of a cavalry charge in this section, but it ends up getting very confusing. The perspective switches rapidly from third-person (at the beginning) to high elves (the two shouted lines) to dark elves (the description of what they see) to third person again (at the last sentence) all in the same paragraph. Usually you'll want to try to stick to one perspective for as much of the story as possible and even if you do switch the very minimum length you can do it for is a whole paragraph. When point-of-view jumps around like this it's very hard to try and figure out who is who.

In more of a nit-pick I don't know what you mean by "let loose their horses" since they were already charging, and I don't understand why it is that the Cold Ones stopped mid-charge there.

Another nit-pick: names are proper nouns and should be capitalised. So things like Caledor and Caledoran. So are words at the beginning of a sentence. Other than that, it's lower case for all nouns.

Is the 'Kaela Mensha Khaine, what power!' section meant to be the dark elves cursing? Because that isn't very clear. It'd need to be attributed to them.
Varan threw down the stump of his lance and drew his longsword thrusting for the joints and the gaps. of what? As one the Caledorans slaugthered the Druchii, the Pheonix Guards were rightly feared (?), the White Lions were mighty. But they were warriors, not soldiers and warriors were easy meat for soldiers. the druchii were warriors and an assasin's skill does not count against a cavalry charge. The druchii wavered, then broke and fled for their ships but they wouldn't get far, the Dragon Lords had tasted blood and they wanted more. Not one drucchi survived

Varan wiped the blood off his blade and sheathed it with a click. He looked at the druchii corpses and their burning ships and a cruel grin worked its way across his face.
"Victory." Was all he said then he turned his horse and rode to join his brethren
Again, the description jumps totally without warning from Dragon Princes to every other soldier on the battle-field and it's not really clear what it is that you mean by this. If you think of a story as a movie (and from the style of writing it seems that you do, which is good) imagine describing in specific the way each camera shot works. A movie wouldn't show one charge, then sweep in three seconds over everything else, then get back to the charge. It'd assign a few moments to every section it wanted to convey in order to give a proper idea of what was happening.

All this stuff is technicalities but remains very, very important. In the same way you need colours to write with or camera crews to shoot a film you need grammatical rules in order for a story to hold together and flow properly.
But half the game is practice, so stick at it and you'll be fine!
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Tuor
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#5 Post by Tuor »

Son of Khaine wrote:Nice shortStory although it sounds like you liked return of the king :D

Son Of Khaine
:oops: :lol: Yes I did steal that from Return of the King
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Tuor
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#6 Post by Tuor »

Okay thanks I will work on the english

When I said they let loose their horses that was meant to convey that the Dragon Princes really started charging, as for Kaela Mensha Khaine what power! I stole that from a book where a guy describes a Hussar charge, it's meant to show shock and awe

Also the soldiers are the Dragon Princes
Commander of the Blood Eagles (Cult of Asuryan)
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