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Tuor
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#1 Post by Tuor »

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Last edited by Tuor on Thu Apr 30, 2009 1:41 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Tuor
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#2 Post by Tuor »

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Last edited by Tuor on Thu Apr 30, 2009 1:42 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Prince_Asuryan
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Re: Adepta Astart

#3 Post by Prince_Asuryan »

Tuor wrote:Morga Grabbed her sisters head, it's a little known fact that a human head can live up to thirty seconds after being detached, an Astart head can live over a minute, plenty of time for a good Apothecaria to reattach it and Morga was one of the best in her Legion it was simply a matter of SurgcicAuto-Clamping it back to the stump then several Dermal, Tissue Vascular and Calcical Reconfigurations and Regeneration treatments, after injecting Dermal grafts, Regen-Spore and Flesh glue through the clamp she scanned to make sure there wasn't any brain damage, just to be on the safe side she injected Corticaid, all in a matter of seconds. She retrieved her Axe and Bolter and went to help Ankara
To be continued
Wow. She reattached a head, in the heat of battle, using only equipment in what is effectively a back-pack, and the Sister of Battle is OK?

I've read some bad fluff in my time. This is one of the worst. Seriously. Keep things realistic mate...
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#4 Post by Si'anelle of Avelorn »

For one breathless moment though I really thought she could do it; - then my brain clicked in and it was, 'What the hell !?'
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#5 Post by Khar »

As I've already said in Female Primarchs thread:
Don't.
I'm not much of a critic when it comes to other people stories, I don't consider my English well enough to try to correct others' mistakes, and I'm generally quite open to new ideas in 40k.
And even though: This is just bad. And weird, seriously - head reattaching aside, their behaviour is that far from how are marines usually described, that I don't really know what to think about it.
I said 'head reattaching aside'? Ignore that part... She'd stiched her frikken HEAD back in the middle of the firefight!!!1one. :shock:
I'm still in shock. Sorry.
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Tuor
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#6 Post by Tuor »

First of all the daemon swore it would keep her alive so when its hand got cut off it still had to keep her alive, and a human head can live up to thirty seconds after being detached, also its just the Daemon and Ankara

BTW This is my story if you don't like you may ******************** :P
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#7 Post by Loki17 »

If you don't want criticism, then you shouldn't post it on a public forum. Otherwise, be ready for criticism. You can't expect everyone to just lavish praise on whatever you post.
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#8 Post by Tuor »

Who said anything about lavishing praise?
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#9 Post by Prince_Asuryan »

Tuor wrote:Who said anything about lavishing praise?
Well, you're annoyed we're criticizing it. So we assume you wanted praise...
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#10 Post by Si'anelle of Avelorn »

Tuor wrote:First of all the daemon swore it would keep her alive so when its hand got cut off it still had to keep her alive, and a human head can live up to thirty seconds after being detached, also its just the Daemon and Ankara

BTW This is my story if you don't like you may ******************** :P
I for one don't want to get at you or annoy you, - only it's plain you've got a good imagination and plenty of enthusiasm to want to have a go at writing. Writing is like painting a picture with words, what you want people to 'see' you have to create with description, or statements or conversation between characters, or even by implying it in what is unsaid. The other thing is that you have to get inside your character's heads and consider what it is like being them in the situation you've written them into. Are they in danger? Do they need to be silent? Are all their senses alive and alert, - or are they more relaxed?
When I was writing a lot more seriously I would even 'walk through' a character's movements and actions to make sure they were possible and/or believeable. My children always found such activities on my part greatly amusing. Having studied the sword arts helped me more than just a little with some of this as well as making me very aware of just how much strength, control and endurance is needed to wield a metre or so long sharp steel blade without hurting yourself in the process.

Do please keep writing, - it's only by keeping at it that you'll improve.
Best of luck..... :D
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#11 Post by Arondight »

Si'anelle. You're so nice. I, on the other hand, is ...well, a little less inclined to be merciful.
BTW This is my story if you don't like you may ******************** Razz
I normally skip over bad and mediocre writing, since I'm a really picky reader. However, I'm going to take a stand here. Afterwards, I'm staying out of this thread.

Listen.

When others give you critique, it's because they cared enough to critique you. Most of us don't bother with posting anything. At least graciously thank them and consider what they said. This attitude is a major turn-off for a lot of readers, including me and will certainly not help you improve your writing. As a matter of fact, it reminds me of the badfics on Fanfiction.Net, which I more or less beta on a regular basis.
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#12 Post by Tuor »

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Last edited by Tuor on Thu Apr 30, 2009 1:43 am, edited 1 time in total.
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#13 Post by Uther Di Asturien »

Hey people, hush! Stop annoying the poor fellow! I was seriously entertained by this story and I would really like to see him continue it! :D

Even though admittedly I am entertained by all the wrong reasons I do believe he should be given a chance to continue, however Tuor please refrain from making such replies, when you don't have anything nice to say about someone and there is no worthwhile reason for you to say what you are about to say, then just don't say anything.
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#14 Post by VictorK »

Tuor wrote:It wasn't the critique it was the fluff nazis and people b******* and whining about how weird and unrealistic it was (This is 40 freakin' K)
That's an important lesson for anyone writing in a fantastic setting. While things might be strange, and they might be unrealistic, that doesn't mean that they don't make sense. Yes, it's 40 freakin' K, land of space elves, daemons and a whole host of impossibilities. But 40k has its own internal logic that makes it function as a setting. When people in this thread say what you do doesn't make any sense they aren't making reference to the real world but to the violations of 40k's internal logic. Violating that internal logic just reminds everyone that the setting isn't real. It's what allows people to suspend their belief, because the system has its own rules and it sticks to them.

You are, of course, welcome to do this. I broke quite a few fluff rules back when I was first starting out writing in the Warhammer setting. The only way you're going to get better is by continuing to write. But a word of warning, from someone who has in the past essentially done what you have here. No matter how clever, or how inspired or creative your own personal idea, no matter how much you cherish it (I did so love my ideas for the Champion of Light during the lead up to the SoC) it will ultimately be cheapened if it's not crafted within the existing framework. You will find that working within the parameters of a setting actually enhances your creativity because you're no longer relying on gimmicks (female space marines, reattached heads) to draw in your audience, you can focus on good storytelling, good writing, and crafting believable characters. These are the real things that get people to take notice of your work.

So, continue to write, it's the only way to improvement. But don't just write willy-nilly. Ground yourself in the fluff, and produce the stories that follow from it.
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#15 Post by Elaithnir »

Agreed. As usual, Victor hits the nail on the head. Couldn't have said it better...
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#16 Post by Spartan »

Tuor wrote:It wasn't the critique it was the fluff nazis
Expecting a story set in the 40K universe to adhere to the foundations of the 40K universe does not a fluff Nazi make. Seriously, if you want a universe of female super-soldiers that can perform mid-battle recapitation (did I just coin a word :P ?), just create your own fictional universe. Tuorland, Tuordia, the People's Galactic Republic of Tuor. I don't care. Just please stop trying to bend the 40K universe to your imaginative will.

The established fluff serves as a common medium through which all of us can relate and interact. When you break that established background, you lose the accepted facts and themes that enable us to share and enjoy the game and its story. You'll find that this is true across all similar fantasy/sci-fi universes, and you'll also find that it almost universally puts people off.
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#17 Post by Paraicj »

Recapitation.

I like it. You Sir are a linguist! :D
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Son of Khaine
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#18 Post by Son of Khaine »

I think you just made a new word.8) as for the topic at hand,You posted it in the middle of a fantasy forum,with female marines, Recapitation and you think that people aren't going to comment on it.

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