[Humor/Satire] The Ulthuan Inquirer

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Arondight
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#31 Post by Arondight »

TEMPLE-ARMIES OF LUSTRIA MUSTERED, FULFILLING PROPHECY OF MAHRUACHAN

Ulthuan Press - Every single pyramid city's army was mustered today as the Lizardmen marched onward to fulfill the plans of the old ones.

Spreading their forces out in a wide, sweeping arch, the ground shook as mighty Stegadons stomped across the land and legions of blue-scaled warriors inched forth. One can only wonder how they managed to transport them across the oceans.

Curiously, unlike the times before, the Servants of the Old Ones are not looking to attack a particular Chaos site or to seize slave-sacrifices for the Temple. Rather, they seemed to be hell-bent on obtaining one thing only. This item is the mundane of the mundane, yet clearly, the Old Ones must have demanded it in their mysterious messages.

This is a common food item easily obtainable in large quantities in the dorms of every student of the White Tower. For us Asur, the term is known as "Reh'malan," or commonly known as "Ramen" in short. A type of instant floury edible item which is easily prepared by adding water. Magically enchanted to keep flavor, the Reh'malan is blostered with a host of freeze-dried goodies including sausage, eggs, leeks, green onions, and the like. Hundreds of tomes have been written on its creation, and its invention predates the founding of Ulthuan. Some say even date back to the days of the Old Ones themselves.

So far, the Lizardmen host have already sailed across the Great Sea, landing on Imperial and Elven settlements alike. Always with one goal: seizing Reh'malan.

"Yes, yes, it was quite curious," Percy Noodletwister, the owner of the popular Elzam's chain (Currently facing dire competition from the Phoenix Temple) commented as he wiped his brow. Behind him, the machineries of the InstaNoodle, (A much inferior, human version of Reh'malan) whirled furiously as two heavily armed Temple Guard prodded him to get back to work.

"I mean, seriously. You have these scary eight-foot-tall things of muscle and scaly sinew marching into your town. Their huge frog-king blows up every last one of the city guard. And what they want? Noodles! NOODLES. Can you believe that -"

"RAaagh, RAAA HAAARRR!" The Temple Guards roared, pointing to the machines nearby.

"Of - of course," Elzam squeaked, plunging more dough into the machines.

Correspondent Anar was unable to converse with most of the Sacred Host. The Slann refused to discuss with a clearly inferior being, and the Skink Priests were too busy scurrying around attending to the Slann to be of any use. Luckily, the Shadow King was able to secure an interview with Skink Chief Tiktaq-To, the Eye of Heavens. [Editor's note: That's the name of an actual skink chief. I kid you not.]

It is through talking with this venerable warrior that Anar managed to understand what was going on. At the age of 103, Chief Tiktaq-To is a master of aerial combat. Wearing the mighty Mask of Heavens proudly, Tiktaq-To revealed the full extent of the old one's plans.

"Warm-Blood," the Skink Chief quipped while nibbling on a bowl of freshly steaming beef Reh'malan. "Do you know Revelations of Mahruachan?"

When Anar shook his head, the Skink Chief smiled. His teeth glinted in the sunlight as he continued, slurping noodles while he was talking. TikTaq-To said that the Revelations of Mahruachan was a recently discovered plaque found in the Dragon Islands, a Nexus in the Great Ward that was thought to have been long lost. The Revelation was found by a particularly brave Skink Priest, who brought it back to the Slann Mage-Priests.

The Revelations of Mahruachan is one of the newest prophecies of the Old Ones - composed merely years before the Great Catastrophe, the disaster that almost destroyed the known world.

Normally, it takes years for the Slann Mage-Priests to reach a conclusion regarding the prophecy as they sit in their dreamlike slumber, contemplating on the Old One's cryptic messages.

This message, however, was pretty clear.

"Gar*, Warm-Blood, I never see Slann declare so fast!" Tiktaq-To continued. "This great prophecy of Old One, part of Great Plan, save world from Chaos!"

When Anar asked what exactly the prophecy was, the Skink Chief had one simple answer.

"Get more ramen."

Incredulous, the Shadow King asked if he heard the Skink right. In response, Tiktaq-To flashed him a dirty look and pulled out a small carving from the folds of his feathered robes.

"Slann give this copy of Prophecy to all Skink Chiefs, Braves, and Priests, so they look at Old One and Great Plan. Part of new Slann-Saurus-Skink Equal Opportunity No Discrimination Policy."

Pointing to the intricate inscription of the Lizardmen Runes, the Skink Chief continued.

"Look. So simple! One line only. Dumb Kroxigor can figure out."

Image
(For your convenience, the corresponding Elven runes have been printed below the illusoscanned image of the Prophecy of Mahruachan.)

"See, Warm Blood?" Tiktaq-To muttered. "Old One Plans very clear, very precise. No confusing mumble-jumble. No am-bigu-ous big word. Even Slann say so. Clearer than ever before, so clear even Skink understand! Old One CLEARLY say, "More Ramen."

When asked what the Old Ones, or the Lizardmen planned to do with all the ramen, the Skink Chief seemed confused.

"What you mean what do with ramen? Old One Plan. Slann follow, and Skink follow slann. Tiktaq-To not wise enough to answer question!"

Excusing himself because he needed to "further plan of Old One," Tiktaq-To concluded the interview, leading a band of Terradon riders as they launched another swift assault. This time, the band is expected to hit Our Lady's Daily Pasta, a small but well-known Bretonnian restaurant.

According to extremely conservative estimates, the Lizardmen have currently amassed no less than fourteen million metric tons of the stuff,and is currently gathering more.

Students at the White Tower are hastily assembling defenses in response to the incoming threat.

"The Loremasters say the Servants of the Old Ones aren't a threat," Niniane, a high-ranking student at the Tower said. "So that means they won't do a thing to stop them."

Muttering an incantation, Niniane expertly placed another ward on her precious stockpile.

"But we care, you know? Do you know how inconvenient it is to walk to the dining facilities? Do you know how good it is to wake up with a steaming, fragrant softsheet cup before you begin your daily studies? I don't care what the Loremasters say - we're defending our stash with our lives, if necessary."

This sentiment was echoed by almost all of the students and quite a few staff members as the frenzied preparations at the White Tower continued. At the same the time, the mighty temple-legions of Lustria march onward, seizing all Reh'malan in order to further the mysterious plans of the Old Ones.

...Whatever they may be.

*Skink for Yes or Aye. A note of affirmation.

~~~~~~~
The Ulthuan Inquirer - Finest news-source of the Old World!
>First taken Bretonnian male child returned by the Fey- [pg. 3]

>Sigmar proclaims return, "Just a little bit longer" - [pg. 7]

>Tomb King Settra discover Botox- [pg. 10]
Last edited by Arondight on Wed Feb 04, 2009 5:23 am, edited 6 times in total.
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#32 Post by Telnor »

wow, you could do wonders for whit dwarf, I mean that makes me want to model an army of noodle lizards....

hehe noodle lizards.
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#33 Post by Si'anelle of Avelorn »

>Tomb King Settra discover Botox- [pg. 10]
:lol: :lol: :lol:
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#34 Post by Elaithnir »

:lol: Very good...and not at all far fetched either! For all we know the Slann are contemplating Old One shopping lists on their Temple cities!
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#35 Post by Tuor »

I want to hear about the tomb kings :)
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#36 Post by Uther Di Asturien »

...Bah, the Lady will protect that restaurant :P

And I wanna hear more about that Tomb King!!! :lol:
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#37 Post by Tuor »

Tiqtaq-to :lol: oh great I just sprayed juice all over my monitor
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#38 Post by Enginseer »

its good to see this publication still going strong. Thanks for putting the update dates in your signature. Easier to keep track that way. ;)
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#39 Post by Amun-Lothain »

Tuor wrote:I want to hear about the tomb kings :)
Me too!

Fantastic writing, Arondight! If this was in White Dwarf, it might convince me to renew my subscription after the price increase. :lol:
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#40 Post by Ramesesis »

Never look into this place other than sporadically. Need to look more often!

Keep it up!
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