Critique needed on story prologue

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TimmyMWD
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Critique needed on story prologue

#1 Post by TimmyMWD »

Hi guys and girls,

I need some constructive feedback on a prologue I wrote for a story that I've been wanting to write out for quite some time. It is intended to be brief and highlight the event that sets up the world of the story. What I'm wondering is does the writing realistically portray how someone would react, etc.

Thanks in advance for feedback!

-----

If there was one thing Jim hated, it was pointless social gatherings; and the party his wife was putting on tonight certainly fell within that category. He had attempted to slip away from the pointless social drivel earlier in the evening to catch the forthcoming meteor shower, but his wife was smarter than that and had the exit out of their home cornered. Resorting to plan B, Jim sneaked away and traveled down several floors to watch some television.

Their house, if you could call it that, was still covered in a sea of cardboard boxes and bubble wrap from the move. Jim and his wife Meredith had spent fruitless months searching for their next home, until they finally found a match. Several hours in to what had appeared to be another fruitless day of house hunting, Jim had joked to their realtor that, “it seems the only thing secure enough to fit our needs would be a concrete bunker.”

Jim didn’t believe the realtor when she turned and smiled, saying “Then I’ve got the perfect home for you,” but the second Jim saw the converted nuclear silo, he knew they found what they were looking for. A dozen floors, thousands upon thousands of square feet, and separated from the rest of the world by several feet of concrete.

He reached his refuge on the sixth floor: a comfortable couch and a massive plasma TV, both of which were still surrounded and dwarfed by moving boxes stacked to the ceiling. Turning on the screen, he prepared to flip through the bloc of news networks as fast as his thumb would let him, but he stopped at the odd site of hastily dressed news anchors adorned with gas masks.

Leaning forward, Jim’s eyes grew wide at the headline that appeared on the bottom of the screen: DEADLY VIRUS KILLING ALL IN PATH. He quickly turned up the volume to hear what the anchors were saying.

“… we’re staying on to relay as much information as possible. Some sort of disease is spreading as the meteor shower rolls across the Earth’s atmosphere. You are advised to enter a central room and seal it using duct tape and whatever plastic lining you can find. You can create a make shift gas mask by urinating on an article of clothing and covering your mouth and nose with it.

“We are getting sporadic reports that it has now spread to Ohio, Kentucky, and Alabama. We also have international reports from Brazil and Canada. The Johnson Space Center in Houston is stating that approximately ten minutes after the meteor shower passes over a location, cases of the disease begin.

“Again, what we know: the first reports came as several transatlantic flights crashed into the ocean and the navy lost contact with several of its surface vessels. The disease hit here in Atlanta several minutes ago. We have intermittent contact with-“

If Jim hadn’t been so focused on watching, he might have missed the lightning fast tackle of the news anchor. Both the anchor and the custodian who tackled him disappeared for a moment behind the desk. Above the sounds of their struggle Jim could hear screaming in the background of the news room.

From behind the desk, Jim could hear the attacker’s voice. “It’s in the building! Give it to me!” The distant screams were now replaced by those coming from the men struggling behind the desk. The attacker clawed up with bloody hands above the level of the desk. He was hemorrhaging out of his orifices and from what Jim could tell the man’s eyes had turned to jelly. “I .. can …. Still …,” the custodian tried to utter, but his mouth began to fill with blood. He began to vomit violently on the news desk, a pool of dark red blood with thick lumps rolling out over the expanse of the black marble. The anchor that he had taken the mask from could be seen on the bottom corner of the screen; writhing on his back and clawing at his now empty eye sockets.

Jim was sure he was dreaming, or had mistaken this horror film for a news network. He flipped to another cable news station, and that hope was quickly dashed. The anchors – if you could call them that – were not as lucky as those from the last channel. What remained of their bodies were hunched over their news desk, lying in a pool of their own blood. The camera was slightly off position, no doubt the technician dragged it down somewhat when he slumped to the ground and died.

Frantic now, Jim flipped through the channels as fast as he could, his fear and adrenaline quickly clouding his thoughts. Channels began to flash the sounds and images of the emergency broadcast system with warnings to seal up homes as quickly as possible.

His hands were now slipping over the remote as a fine layer of nervous sweat ran over his body. Shaking as he stood up, he stumbled out of the room attempting to gain control of his panic. As stepped into the hallway, he quickly grabbed his knees and vomited up the dinner he ate only an hour before. Saliva and partly digested food still dripping from his lips, he stood up and began to run to the stairwell. Leaning on the rail as much as he could to fight the lack of he control he felt in his legs. He was so frightened he barely had any sense of feeling in his body, and had almost no control of what his body was doing.

He slipped on the last flight of stairs and tumbled down, hitting the concrete landing with a solid hit to his lower spine. Reaching out awkwardly with his arms, he found the door handle for the bottom floor and pushed with all of his weight to open it. He took a moment to regain his composure. Its just now in Ohio, you have time. It wont’ hit Kansas for at least fifteen more minutes. He took several deep breaths before pulling himself up and stepping through the door.

Walking in to the pitch black room, he fumbled over the surface of the wall until he found the light panel and flipped the switch up. Fluorescent lights that hadn’t been used for several months flickered and eventually flooded the room with a dim white glow. Unlike the rest of the silo, this floor was largely left alone. Various control panels and displays lined the far wall, but Jim ran over to a lone metal file cabinet and began flipping through as fast as he could.

His heart racing, he let out a small cheer when he found the manual he was looking for. “Silo Lockdown Procedures”

Running his hand through his sweat drenched mop of hair, he scrolled his finger through the instructions to see what he needed to do. Taking the file with him, he walked over to the control panels and followed through the instructions as best as he could. As he flipped the necessary switches and adjusted the proper settings, he found himself nervously looking at his watch every five seconds or so. When he pressed the final button necessary per the instructions, he breathed a gigantic sigh of relief as he heard the muffled sounds of the concrete barrier closing and the air filtration system kicking on.

He slumped into the desk chair provided and just took as deep of breaths as he could for a few moments to let the adrenaline phase out of his system. When he finally felt like he could walk without his legs collapsing from underneath him, he exited the control floor and climbed the stairs up to the party to inform them of what’s going on.

When he got there; however, he found there only three guests lounging in a couch – far from the forty people had been expecting to make an announcement to. “Where is everyone?” he demanded.

One of the guests, clearly buzzed from the wine she had been consuming, looked away from the conversation she had been having to address Jim, “The rest of them? They all want outside to see some lame meteor shower.”

All sense of control over his body vanished again in that instant, “They’re outside?”

Laughing now, the intoxicated woman leaned over the lap of the male guest sitting on the couch, “Of course, you can’t really see a meteor shower from inside this place can you?” She gestured with her wine glass to the rest of room, splashing several drops of the drink on their carpet.

“Meredith,” was all Jim said as he turned to the stairs in an all out sprint.

When he reached the top floor, he sprinted over to the access point and pulled his keys out of his pocket. As he fumbled through the countless keys on his ring, he began to sob uncontrollably as he realized there was no need to unlock the override. He could hear their screams even through the foot of concrete. The virus had already hit, and everyone that gone outside was dead.

Including his wife.

He slumped down to the floor and buried his head in his knees. That was all he knew to do anymore.
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Paraicj
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#2 Post by Paraicj »

Pretty good!

Critique:

The first couple of paragraphs repeat a bit, "pointless", "fruitless" etc, and it might be better to hint at why he thinks he needs a concrete bunker, or even add a line such as "Thinking of his past life, Jim had joked to their realtor that...", just to give a glimpse that the concrete bunker is a necessity rather than a frivolous purchase.

I like the news bit, up to your description of the guy vomiting etc. That's a bit bland. "His mouth began...He began...a pool rolling out..." Maybe add a little more vigour to the process, the guy is basically turning inside out! :D
he barely had any sense of feeling in his body, and had almost no control of what his body was doing.
Again, repetition of body, maybe just change to "What he was doing"?

You use "Flip" and "flipped" a few times, for the tv, the lightswitch, the control panel, the instructions.. How about "switched", or "changed", or "turned"?
climbed the stairs up to the party to inform them of what’s going on
Change in tenses.
everyone that gone outside
Had gone?
That was all he knew to do anymore
Not sure about this as an ending. It doesn't really make sense. Was that all he knew how to do? "That was all that he could think to do", "That was all that was left to do", "That was the only thing he could do", might fit better.

Reads very well, kept me reading all the way through, definitely leads up to more action, without giving away too much. Nicely done.
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#3 Post by Prince_Asuryan »

I liked it. Got me all shivery :shock:

I think it'll turn into quite a nasty little book when it's done ;)

Not much I can comment on as others will do it better, but I think it's looking very good. I would say however, that right now, only having 4 characters locked in a bunker is not looking good for the length of the story. I'd be interested to hear how you want the plot to continue without more people...
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#4 Post by TimmyMWD »

Thanks for the comments, this is the kind of feedback I'm looking for!

@Paraicj:

Thank you for the tips. One of my problems is repetition of words and I have a tough time picking it up.

And you're right about the vomiting and the ending; those are the two parts that I'm frustrated with and not sure how to change. I have a few ideas though.

@Prince_Asuryan:

The prologue takes place "nowish," and the book takes place about 2-3 years in the future; when they've assembled a rag tag group of survivors in and around the silo complex. My goal is to tell the story and have some background, too, to explain how they got from the four to the community they have now.

Thanks guys, more feedback always appreciated :D
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