A really, really short High Elf story

Have a story, then you come here.

Moderators: The Heralds, The Loremasters

Post Reply
Message
Author
Raldraith
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Nov 23, 2008 12:34 am
Location: New Zealand

A really, really short High Elf story

#1 Post by Raldraith »

Hey just write this up for a short story compition on another site just like to hear what you think

(the comp's word limit was 750 I haven really tried to write that little before and this is also the first time I did the mighty Asur!)

Enjoy!


Prince Raldraith stood, surveying the soon to be battlefield, magnificent lines of Warriors stood drilled and still, no other army in the world could compete with the discipline of the Asur.

‘The tides of fate turn to battle yet again’ came the voice of Arch Mage Seleste and Raldraith turned to his lover, her cold blue eyes met his with unflinching intensity, she was beautiful even amongst the beautiful Asur women, her long black hair and shimmering green robes flowing in concerto with the Nagarythe winds.

‘Once more the Druchii come’ said Raldraith ‘, and once more we stand to deny them’

‘Once more we will deny them’ corrected Seleste ‘but at more cost’

Raldraith did not reply, like all his kind he was aware of the dwindling of his people, less and less were born every year and battle after battle took more and more, were the Asur dwindled the Druchii, prospered, were every Asur life lost meant them closer to extinction, the Druchii sent their kind to their dooms with casual abandon.

Raldraith could not help but compare the plight of his people to the rocks upon the coast, every wave; every flourish of the sea wore down its magnificent strength until there was naught but grains of sand.

Such melancholy Raldraith threw aside as the army of the Dark Elves came into view, two thousand Black armored forms marched upon the plains of Nagarythe.


With a deafening roar the wall of Druchii charged Raldraith and his Swordmasters.

The first rank of traitorous, snarling Spearmen never began to fell their blows before the warriors of Hoeth slaughtered their front rank, their sword technique was nothing less than flawless and nothing more than afterimages.

Raldraith was no exception, known through out Ulthuan for his skill and grace, the Swordmasters could not begin to keep up with the prince as they broke apart the spearmen.

A few seconds the skirmish lasted and the few surviving, Druchii broke and fled, but they died too as Asur archers mercilessly cut them down.

Yet another melee finished and yet more Dark kin lay dead at their feet.

Around him Raldraith saw the shimmering Dragonprinces locked in combat with the brutal Cold One knights, the silent Phoenix guard and Seaguard in defensive lines against the oncoming enemy and amongst the marshes Dark Elf Shades and Shadow Warriors dueling bitterly.

In the winds Arch Mage Seleste and her Sorceress rival battled for magical supremacy, lightning flashed and savaged the air, the sky a bloody red haze as if the it's life force was draining from the exertion.

Raldraith heard the groans of the dying, the screams of the injured and the brutal roar of combat but he had fought upon hundreds of battlefields, in thousand battles, he had seen it all before.

The Druchii Archers let loose their arrows upon them, Raldraith raised his shield and he felt the impacts as they stuck, the Swordmasters stood proud as mage Aretha’s magic protected them, arrows shattered and snapped off them as though the deadly projectiles were but rain.

The shower desisted and Raldraith lowered his shield about to bellow his next command.

My love! Interrupted Seleste’s voice in his thoughts from the sky!

It was too late as the fell beast crashed amongst Raldraith and his Swordmasters who all cried out as they were thrown against the grassy plain.

Then heat, all that Raldraith felt was baleful, horrible heat as they were engulfed in flame and he heard his Swordmaster’s scream in agony as they were incinerated.

The fire cleared and Raldraith stumbled to his feet, he stood solitary his Dragon armor what had saved him from being ash and he turned to the dragon that towered over him,

Its foul black skin seemed to absorb the light; its glowing green eyes stared down at Raldraith with utter contempt and seated upon its back was no less than the Witch King himself.

The Dragon lent its face to his, opened its jagged jaws and let out a defining roar.

Raldraith never flinched as his brown hair blew back and the beast’s horrible spittle showered him.

Malekith laughed ‘Why do you not run?’ queried the daemonic visage ‘You think you can defeat me?’

‘No’ said Raldraith his handsome face grimacing in utter determination ‘I’m going to kill you’, suddenly he lunged, Sword of Striking slicing an arc at the Dragon’s neck…
"He who sees his own doom can better avoid its path. He who sees the doom of others can deliver it."
User avatar
Ruerl Khan
High Executioner
Posts: 1318
Joined: Mon Jun 07, 2004 4:43 pm
Location: Århus, Denmark.

#2 Post by Ruerl Khan »

A few tips:

1) Paragraphs: Make fewer of them, you have far too many, it interrupts the story and is frustrating to read, put the blogs of text a bit closer together.

2) Heroes vs Villains: There are absolutly no credit given to your enemies, your army may ruleswise have "always strikes first" but in the stories its always portrayed as a bitter struggle where both sides suffer tremendous losses, describe something that can give a doubt to the outcome, not a fixed result please.

3) The size of the battle: I would seriously suggest that you write about something smaller, a small battle is hard to describe in 750 words, a battle with Malekith and this size? Impossible to do well i'm afraid, set your goals towards the restrictions of a contest, and write battles like this for fun so that you can give the fight the details and time they deserve.
Raldraith
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Nov 23, 2008 12:34 am
Location: New Zealand

#3 Post by Raldraith »

thanks for the comments but mate it's sword masters versus dark elf spearmen with a prince in their ranks. I'm pretty sure lore wise the Sword Masters would dominate
"He who sees his own doom can better avoid its path. He who sees the doom of others can deliver it."
Pecten Kalderon
Posts: 251
Joined: Sat Jul 31, 2004 1:42 am
Location: Ten stories above sealevel

#4 Post by Pecten Kalderon »

So from me you'll get two thingies :)

* It's a bit 'something you would expect', as I read it. Really a WH battlefluff, yet without a personal touch to it. Try to pick a fluffy situation and mold it into something of your own.

* You flatter your characters too much. Determined, flawless, beautiful, graceful, skillful, magnificent, etcetera. It makes them flat characters. It's not credible that they're all pretty and perfect even if they are high elves :D
An example: The sentence 'his handsome face grimacing in utter determination', is way more powerful if you delete the 'handsome' from it. The word is distracting from the seriousness of the scene and it's going to work annoying when you read all the time about how great this person is. Also not every blow can or should be flawless.

750 words is a tough challenge. I think it's better to pick one catching scene and work it out then to squeeze a complete battle into it. Good luck!
Waiting for Elias to say something stupid again like dancing hobbits nightmares or narcists jerking off in front of mirrors.
User avatar
Ruerl Khan
High Executioner
Posts: 1318
Joined: Mon Jun 07, 2004 4:43 pm
Location: Århus, Denmark.

#5 Post by Ruerl Khan »

Raldraith wrote:thanks for the comments but mate it's sword masters versus dark elf spearmen with a prince in their ranks. I'm pretty sure lore wise the Sword Masters would dominate
And that does not change the quality of the story, the point is not lore or rules, the point is the feel of the story, if you describe a perfect slaughter you only describe a boring scene.
Post Reply