Wounds that a Pen cannot heal

[Facade19]

I am wide awake and know of no other place/or people, unto I can off load my grief. See, there was this girl, one that has conquered my heart, in one of my classes, long ago and still so near that I can still see her in front of me, the way she would take of her jacket, that white puffy shield, which would hide her elegant form my eyes. I cannot forget the way she would laugh at the witty comments of our professor and the halo that would illuminate her, the vibrant colors glowing around her, as each time she would provide clear and discriminate comments, contributing to the intellectual level of the class. Deep down, in my blood, where my life flows, I still hold on dearly to the first words she exchanged to me, which I shall forever keep as a secret (secrets intensify the love we have for the person who we sacrifice sleep for and offer the most meticulous lamentations for).

Now and then, I am pissed at myself. Coward, that is what I am.
If I would have only spoken to her more, much more and would have the valor, the bravery to have showed her my heart, to have showed her my exact feelings, I wonder, I wonder what the gods would have blessed me with two years ago. Instead, I sit in front of a screen, alone, in remorse, in cold stupor and stricken with the most bitter taste I have ever known, at the sight of her. I cannot find her. No matter how much effort I put into ascertaining her present lodgings, the end result is always the same, a fruitless harbor.
Dammit!!!!!!!!!!
DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!

Of all the girls I have encountered, of all the people that I known, she, she by far has conquered my heart. If I had her by my side, oh I swear, if I would see her, I would throw caution away and adore her with all my yearning, and if it would all turn into a failure, even if she would tell me that she has someone else, or she is not interested, and the consequently heart ache would sit in, I would do it all, just so I can lay it all to rest. But I do not want this just to get rid of this intense emotion of yearning, no I want her to know, that at some point in her life, in this world full of madness, someone loved her so much that he risked his sanity for letting her know.

[Meif]

Removed by Sun

[Andruillius]

Removed by Sun

[Ramesesis]

Meif and Andy, that was really necessary, was it?

Been there, done that Facade. I know the emotions, the feelings and the pain. Even today, married and with kids, I can still think back on those days and wonder why I never acted, or when I really acted once, it was too late...
When I think of it, it is two clear occasions, even if one of them still lingers there in the back of the head, the other girls do pop out from time to time when specific memories are triggered.
However, as for the second girl, I did make a move to invite her to go with me to the student bal, but she was going to travel to the States the day before to work as an au-pair...
And that was that...

I remembered her clear as day when I read your words, Facade. She is usually forgotten deep down, beneath memories of the other girl I fell in love with, but that was unreachable, some others and my wife.
But now I remember her and some feelings I had afterwards, feeling both of some pride, because I had actually dared to do something, but also feelings of misery, because I had not dared to move earlier.

In the end I would say tough, that there will be others coming your way. So it was for me, even if I had a hard time beliveing it back then. However, I will not forget the feelings... The intoxication.

Do not despair on the feelings, Facade, that is the worst you can do. And what is more, there is always the risk one is running of building up a false image of the person one has been stricken by. The piedestal is quick to be placed beneath the object one desire so dearly, but that piedestal will not serve well IF your dreams would come true. Because things put on a high narrow object have a tendensy tip over and shatter when your made up ideas hits reality.

But if you get the chance, do something. But maybe not that... huge. What have you in common? Work from there. Too big gestures at once can flatter some, but can also scare people away.

Now, do you read poetry, Facade? I would recommend William Wordsworth:
"She was a phantom of delight
When first she gleamed upon my sight
A lovely apparition sent
to be one moments ornament"

Save the moment and the image, and use it. I have seen several such moments, but learned that many are better left as they are, becoming beautiful ornaments to decorate your memory.

Not saying that you should not take your chance if you get it, but do not dig yourself down into misery if your dreams shatter. Do not let them, but file them away in your dark chest of wonders and keep them as fond immaterial treasures.

[EricJ]

Bork bork!

Damn socialists, no passion or understanding for human needs whatsoever.

Love and pain, woe me!

Sorry to hear. Time heal all wounds, etc.

[Paraicj]

Nothing twists the guts like regret.

Well, food poisoning.

But it's still sucky. Tough break man.

do you read poetry, Facade

Does the pope live in the Vatican?

[Musashi]

X.

I saw pale kings and princes too,
Pale warriors, death-pale were they all;
They cried—“La Belle Dame sans Merci
Hath thee in thrall!”

XI.

I saw their starved lips in the gloam,
With horrid warning gaped wide,
And I awoke and found me here,
On the cold hill’s side.

XII.

And this is why I sojourn here,
Alone and palely loitering,
Though the sedge is wither’d from the lake,
And no birds sing.

[NoOoDLe]

This never really happened to me. I always showed my feelings for a girl under the motto; "no shot is always a miss" so to say.

Better be rejected (it happens to everyone and it sucks to everyone) then to crop up and be left in your situation Facade.

I'm sure it doesn't help but atleast I can say I tried.

Take care.

[Andruillius]

Bork bork!

Damn socialists, no passion or understanding for human needs whatsoever.

Ahem, the Swedish chef is in fact Swedish

And you're right, I have no passion or understanding for semi-fascists.

[Burning Sun]

Meif, Andruillius: Completely unnecessary. I would have deleted your posts if Rammie hadn't responded.

[The Red Elf]

I'm desperately in love with a girl who left me a long time ago. Just like you, if I felt then how I do now, I would've done things differently. But the intervening years have distorted how I feel, in part because I spent time wallowing in guilt and pity. Mythologising her just makes things worse. You need to find someone new who you feel strongly enough about to do what you have to do. At least maybe your pain has helped you learn that much.

[Raukov]

I'm glad I saw this thread in its pre-edited glory.

[Ograloch]

Alright, Facade. Look. You have got to pull it together, man.

Let me give you the other side of it.

Sure, I had a few moments like that when I was young. I remember the pain, a little, although I don't FEEL the pain. It was gone a long time ago, as it will be for you. It's part of the desensitization process we sometimes refer to as growing up. I'm don't mean to offend you - let me expound.

After a few situations like the one you are in, I decided to grow a pair as they say in rural appalachia where I'm from.

And do you know what I found out? I found out that there is no such thing as that glorious vision of perfection that you saw there in the billowing white coat with the intellectually stimulating commentary. Women like the one you perceived only exist in poetry and other similar forms of art.

And do you know what I got for working up the courage? I got a whole bunch of negative experiences as I watched my bubbles of expectation burst one by one, a lot of sex, and child support for years and years being paid to multiple mothers who turned out to be far less than the perfection I thought I perceived. I wouldn't change anything, though, oddly enough. I learned a lot about life and I got some great kids out of the deal.

I'm a romantic at heart, as you, Facade. But at some point you're going to have to put down the drama, stop feeling sorry for yourself, and realize that no woman is going to bring you happiness.

You have to find your own happiness. The secret about a meaningful relationship with a woman is that you have to find a woman who is already happy just being herself. You'll make each other happ-IER, but you won't be depending on each other for happiness.

So how do you find your own happiness? Just do the things you like to do. Make sure you have time for it. Clearly you like Warhammer. So do that. If you want to find a woman, then try to do it in a social setting. Go paint your models at a local Gamer's Whatever store that facilitates such things. Go to tournaments. There were 3 chicks at the last tournament I played. Physically they were maybe 5 to 7s out of 10, but they were smart, they were creative, and by God they loved the hell out of some Warhammer.

Work up the nerve to talk to one of THOSE women. And for God sakes always wear a condom.

But in the meantime, just do the things you enjoy the most, and talk to us fellow geeks about Warhammer in your spare time.

FACT: Geeks in numbers are a force to be reckoned with.

[Burning Sun]

Ograloch:

Well said there, well said.

[Telephalsion]

I am wide awake and know of no other place/or people, unto I can off load my grief. See, there was this girl, one that has conquered my heart, in one of my classes, long ago and still so near that I can still see her in front of me, the way she would take of her jacket, that white puffy shield, which would hide her elegant form my eyes. I cannot forget the way she would laugh at the witty comments of our professor and the halo that would illuminate her, the vibrant colors glowing around her, as each time she would provide clear and discriminate comments, contributing to the intellectual level of the class. Deep down, in my blood, where my life flows, I still hold on dearly to the first words she exchanged to me, which I shall forever keep as a secret (secrets intensify the love we have for the person who we sacrifice sleep for and offer the most meticulous lamentations for).

Now and then, I am pissed at myself. Coward, that is what I am.
If I would have only spoken to her more, much more and would have the valor, the bravery to have showed her my heart, to have showed her my exact feelings, I wonder, I wonder what the gods would have blessed me with two years ago. Instead, I sit in front of a screen, alone, in remorse, in cold stupor and stricken with the most bitter taste I have ever known, at the sight of her. I cannot find her. No matter how much effort I put into ascertaining her present lodgings, the end result is always the same, a fruitless harbor.
Dammit!!!!!!!!!!
DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!

Of all the girls I have encountered, of all the people that I known, she, she by far has conquered my heart. If I had her by my side, oh I swear, if I would see her, I would throw caution away and adore her with all my yearning, and if it would all turn into a failure, even if she would tell me that she has someone else, or she is not interested, and the consequently heart ache would sit in, I would do it all, just so I can lay it all to rest. But I do not want this just to get rid of this intense emotion of yearning, no I want her to know, that at some point in her life, in this world full of madness, someone loved her so much that he risked his sanity for letting her know.

Unrequainted love is perhaps the worst love. Although worse yet is the silent love, the love that could have been. The love that was lost due to nothing else but your own inaction.

I know this for a fact, but I also know that there is no point in clinging to "could have been's" and "what if's". What matters is that you learn from the experience. Most likely scenario is that you never see her again, and in that case, fine. Keep her the way you remember her, as the angel she appeared to be. But stop yearning for her, if nothing else it will blind you, make you unable to see the shimmer of the goddesses around you. I had a similar love, which turned to nothingness because I simply said nothing until we both moved, probably to never see each other again. I've moved on, even though it took a long time. A couple of years in fact.

I assume, due to your presence on a warhammer forum, that you would fit the label geek. I am a geek, and pretty proud of it. And it turns out that many girls admire a guy who has geekish influences. Although I think a crucial thing is to have a little self-distance, so to speak. Accept your nature, and find comfort in it. Because I think you can never love somebody else without first loving yourself, although it could be argued that by being loved you can learn to love yourself.

At any rate, she gave you the experience of intense emotion, something that should be cherished in of itself. Many people live their entire lives without being so engulfed in yearning as you seem to have been. And while it seems the experience ended in tragedy, you should try to have faith in that the universe strives for balance, and that this great tragedy will be the fuel of future joy.

There isn't a single person for every person. Each person can match up with thousands, if he or she is willing to adapt. Those unwilling will never have a fulfilling relationship, since they will always force their partners to adapt, and thus, sacrifice themselves. What I mean is that that girl is not the only one you will ever love or want. If you face the fact that she will not walk through your door and wait for your confession of affection, then the veil of unrequited love that hangs before your eyes will fall, and you will see that there are others out there that might not be angels, but they will be soulmates.

In short, try to enjoy life to it's fullest. Be the best you that you can possibly be. Go out into the world with a wish to make the world better. And I don't mean anything radical, just smile to people for one. Be yourself, and somebody will see you, and like you. Or if you see someone you like, talk to them, don't think.
The worst thing a hopeless romantic can do is think, because whatever he thinks, it'll almost certainly be the wrong thing. Everybody likes being appreciated, but nobody likes to be bothered. So if you, a smart, attractive, serious person walks up to someone and asks them out, it'll probably get better results than if somebody who is drunk beyond measure comes and slobbers all over that person.

Ograloch probably said it all better than me though.

[~Milliardo~]

Nothing good comes from building up a woman before you even really meet her... wait until you're with her, and then glorify her and praise her to the heavens. It'll make talking to her easier at first, and you won't scare the bejeesus out of them with all your pent up feelings, like I usually do. :3

[Jerrion]

*edited*

[lathian]

I'm so glad I've chosen not to worry about these sorts of things in my life.

[Spartan]

Facade, the best advice I can give you at this point is to listen to Ograloch's view.


As much as it shatters your most heart-wracking desires, you need a little cold cynicism or you're literally going to go insane. I spent the better part of last year (and some of this year) in a love-induced depression, and my real life prospects--my grades, my physique, my social life, even my sanity--suffered greatly for it. Please trust me when I say that this kind of idealism is not worth it. Nobody is perfect, nobody is a radiant angel that's destined to haunt your thoughts. People are going to hurt you; that's just a fact. The only thing you can do is decide which people are worth lamenting for-- and honestly, this person does not seem like she's worth it. Be honest with yourself; you barely know this girl. Other than her intellectual comments in class, can you really tell us anything about her character? What makes her happy? How does she treat those closest to her? What are her most valued beliefs? Her deepest fears?

Love comes from interpersonal relationships, not chance occurrences or observations from afar. I know none of this is what you want to hear, but honestly...please shake off your remorse and step into the coldness of reality. Unless you start living for yourself, you're just gonna keep spiraling downwards--and though it may seem like the only right choice--some kind of martyrdom-- it's not worth it. You'll hurt in places you didn't know you had for a long, long time.

Like Ograloch said, you've gotta find something that makes you happy, something that makes your life feel worthwhile. For me, it's the military. When my old depression starts to resurface, I switch off my emotions and devote myself to serving: excercising, practicing drill, commanding my flight--things that I feel are doing some good for myself and others.

You can do the same; just find something that you can pour yourself utterly and completely into when your emotions demand it. And eventually you'll begin to realize the real truth: that you control your life, that you possess the means to stop what you're feeling now.


I know it takes time, but I honestly hope that you start picking yourself up ASAP. I wouldn't wish what I went through on anybody.

[Warcaster_Wyatt]

Closest I have ever come to a girl is a hug. I have serious problems with myself I have to get over before I even consider trying to have a relationship with a girl. It is tough but I know good things come to those who wait. Oh well, I guess I will wait and take what comes to me. I am a coward anyways, I would never get up the courage to ask out a girl. I dont even have time for one right now.

[Burning Sun]

Moved from OT to ST on request of Facade19, as this should have been there in the first place

[Ramesesis]

Burning Sun, I question your desicion of moving this, since it is really not just a "story", but a plea for some "advice", "support" etc...
The amount of people reading this in the Story forum will be far less than in OT.
I would not have read it, for example.

But since you are an admin, you have the final word, so to say...

Now, Facade, Ograloch and TRE said it both very well.

You need to stop rewinding and running that movie of memories again and again. I know from expirience how such movie runs WILL prohibit you from seeing women in your imidiate presence that may infact be interested of you.
But your memories and your constant rerunning of them makes you unable to see their interest and even to see these women for their personal beauty and lovability.
I have realized that there are so many, many attractive and lovable womens out there, many, many of them. Not just a few. Each time I think about it, I realize how many they really are! Most womens are infact very beautiful in their own right!

What separates the ones your will find true love with, is the inside. Most humans have lovely insides, and every human has dark shadows. Since almost every decent and nice humans WILL be able to commit the most evil and henious acts, given the right circumstances, as well as the most self-sacrificing acts, given the right circumstances, it will come down to nuances.
What will matter is how these different forces and emotions matches of complements your inner forces and emotions.

I dare say that love on first sight is not false, BUT it is a very fleeting thing and damn it is hard to separate from ATTRACTION on first sight. PASSION is a lovely feeling, but it is also a very energy consuming one, able to suck two persons dry unless you allow yourself time to reload.

The longlasting relationship is a matter of somehow finding a balance between bursts of passion, supported with friendship, connection, empathy and trust, and somewhere here lies the true love, the one that is built up in a relationship, rather than the one that is spurred by rushes of hormones and emotions. But those rushes are needed aswell.

Ah, love, what a sweet yet bitter subject.
Facade, try to read what we old farths write and try to see positive. And remember to be open towards the women close to you right NOW. Oh, how many other shy girls just passed you, to scared to show any emotions toward you, or to kind and knowlegdeable about your emotions toward another to dare to present themselves forwardly.

[Facade19]

Burning Sun, thank you very much.
I hope you will join me in the humor I am basking in right now.

[Musashi]

I saw pale kings and princes too,
Pale warriors, death-pale were they all;
They posted—“La Belle Dame sans Merci
Hath thee in thrall!”

[Spartan]

Burning Sun, thank you very much.
I hope you will join me in the humor I am basking in right now.

If this is a joke, it's not funny.

[Musashi]

Warning ... missile lock detected.

[Spartan]

Ghost Rider, this is Spartan. Request permission to engage inappropriate thread.




Dude, if I get a fighter pilot slot I'm so gonna make my call sign "Spartan".

[Musashi]

Dude, if I understand Air Force etiquette correctly, it's your "friends" and colleagues that will bestow a call-sign on you, and invariably it's supposed to refer to the most embarrassing incident that they can recall.

[Eldacar]

Dude, if I get a fighter pilot slot I'm so gonna make my call sign "Spartan".

You very rarely get to choose your own call sign. It's chosen for you as a result of particular things that happen, a personality quirk, or something along those lines.

[Sir Cyris deLonse]

Life goes on or it doesnt, thats up to you.