Arleth Vann

[shadow_walker]

Hey guys, I wrote this for my english class, and wanted to see what everyone thought about it. This is my first time writing something like this, so I hope you like it. I'm also planning on writing follow up stories to this.

He carved effortlessly through another warrior. ‘This is what I was born to do,’ Arleth thought. A smile ran across his face as one of his twin short swords slipped past another’s defenses and found its mark. The battle had started only moments ago, but he had already lost count of the number of Kurzen men he had slain. General Scathing had given the assassin only two orders before the battle. The first was to kill the Kurzen warlord that was leading the army. Without the warlord’s leadership, the enemy horde would fall into confusion and be defeated. The second order was easy, to cut down as many God forsaken Kurzen traitors as possible.


Arleth Vann was a small person, standing just over five feet, but, by the gods, was he strong. He may not look it, he could, easily, hurl a spear over one hundred yards and was able to jump fifteen feet into the air. Two matched short swords were his weapon of choice, and he could wield then with deadly accuracy. His jet black hair was tied back with a leather chord, and he wore a long, black cloak and brown, fingerless gloves. The sleeves of his charcoal gray tunic were already darkened with blood. None of it was his own. Arleth had forsaken any type of armor in favor of his own reflexes. If any blow landed, it would be fatal. Just how he liked it: living on the edge.

Arleth had been an assassin for all of his life. His parents had given him to an assassin’s guild known as The League of Death when he was only a few years old. It had been the only life he had known, and he was great at it. Early on, his mentor, Belgerath, had noticed that Arleth was gifted with unnatural agility and a sharp mind. This lethal combination had allowed him to progress much quicker than his peers in the arts of subtly and death. At only twelve years old, because of his immense agility, he was able to hold his own against Belgerath and the other leaders of the guild in a dual. While this was truly remarkable, it was his mind that was astonishing. He could think his way through any situation and possessed a good sense of his surrounding. This, coupled with his extraordinary agility, made him one of the most skilled warriors in the world. When fighting multiple opponents, Arleth fought as if he were in six places at once, striking down each one individually while parrying the attack of another. He was shadowfast. It seemed as if no mortal human could defeat him.



Arleth could hear the chaotic sounds of the battle swirling around him. ‘This is my home, my life.’ A downward slash was aimed at his thigh, but was easily parried, followed by one of Arleth’s swords erupting from the back of the warrior. ‘I belong here.’ Arleth dodged another attack. ‘It’s almost too easy,’ he thought as he sliced into another Kurzen. He was getting closer. He could feel it. Arleth paused in his mindless slaughter just long enough to take account of the battle. He and the soldiers around him had pushed deep into the enemy army. The enemy center was on its last leg. If their general did not lend his support to where the assassin was fighting, his it would definitely collapse, along with the rest of the army.

Just as Arleth pulled his sword free from the corpse of another Kurzen warrior, he heard a projectile flying from the ranks of the enemy. Instinctively, he dropped to one of his hands and feet, while trying to discern where the spear had come from. Suddenly, two more spears were launched towards him in rapid succession. Arleth dodged the first and deflected the second with the flat of his blade, and in an instant, the Kurzen warlord was upon him. A rapid barrage of strikes was aimed at the assassin with the warlord’s glowing sword. It took all of Arleth’s skill to fend off his opponent’s well placed blows, and he found himself slowly giving ground. His adrenaline was pumping, and anger began to form within him. He launched a series of counter attacks that would have severed a lesser warrior’s head, but the warlord matched him blow for blow. Rage was building inside of Arleth, and his attacks were becoming wilder. Again and again, his blades were turned by the warlord’s magical blade. His frustration grew, and he became reckless. Arleth lunged at the warlord with both swords. His blades were swept aside, and the warlord slammed his shield into the assassin’s chest, shooting him back several yards.

Arleth got to his feet and stared down his opponent. He knew what he had to do. He ran towards the warlord at a dead sprint. Just out of striking distance, Arleth leaned to his left and threw his left-handed sword at the warlord. He raised his shield to block the thrown weapon just as Arleth sprung into the air. He was right above his adversary, midway through his flip, as the projectile made contact with his foe’s shield. Arleth placed his left hand on the warlord’s head as he slid his short sword between the Kurzen’s collar bone and shoulder blade, killing him instantly. He landed on his feet only moments before the body of his enemy hit the ground. Arleth smiled to himself. ‘Not bad.’

[Ruerl Khan]

The following critism may seem a bit harsh, but is not intented as demeaning:

Overall "feel" of the story:
Bland, there is no line in the story that "sticks out", the story does not seem to have a start or a real end, it feels like its partially caught in the middle of a story.

Storytelling techniques:
Try using the named "Arleth" a bit less, the reader is made aware of the protagonists name the first time you use it, the second and third time makes it bland, try to put a bit more variation into your story-telling, you do not even need to use the "he" term, for example:

"Arleth got to his feet and stared down his opponent. He knew what he had to do. He ran towards the warlord at a dead sprint. Just out of striking distance, Arleth leaned to his left and threw "

could be re-written to:

"Getting to his feet staring down his opponent. He knew what he had to do. He ran towards the warlord at a dead sprint. Just out of striking distance, Arleth leaned to his left and threw "

also, in the same manner, try to avoid starting every new paragraph with "Arleth" or "he".

Story elements and background:
This is where the story truly suffers:
Who is Arleth apart from an assassin?
Why is the Kurgen invading?
Where are the feelings? What race is Arleth?
where is the "feel" the emotions, the things that can make the reader identify with Arleth or the story? Where are the "hooks" ?.

Finally, past and present tense etc:
i'm no expert in grammar, in fact I make more than most, but sometimes, just sometimes, I manage to spot out the mistakes of others (i'm completly blind to my own i'm afraid), you should decide wether the story is written in past or present tense, for example:

Arleth Vann was a small person, standing just over five feet, but, by the gods, was he strong. He may not look it, he could, easily, hurl a spear over one hundred yards and was able to jump fifteen feet into the air. Two matched short swords were his weapon of choice

he "was" (past tense) a small person, but he "may not look it" (present tense), finally the story bit here includes a typo in "two matched sword swords" instead of "two matching short swords".

Despite all the above critism, the story contains good elements too, you have a knack for describing situations visually wich is very good for these sort of stories and the reader does'nt easedly lose track of the situation, ie. you give a good overview.

I hope you can use the critism for something constructive.

Regards

Ruerl Khan

[shadow_walker]

Ruerl Khan, thanks for the input. I really appreciate it.

the story does not seem to have a start or a real end, it feels like its partially caught in the middle of a story.

I'm usinging this story mainly to introduce the character (it probably helped if I mentioned that at the start), and wanted I to do this by starting out with a battle to help show what kind of life he lives. I do agree that, as a stand alone story, it doesn't really have a sense of time in relation to other things going on.

Try using the named "Arleth" a bit less

I completely agree with this, and didn't even realize how much I was using his name until you pointed it out. I guess that's my inexperience as a writer showing.

Story elements and background:
This is where the story truly suffers:
Who is Arleth apart from an assassin?
Why is the Kurgen invading?
Where are the feelings? where is the "feel" the emotions, the things that can make the reader identify with Arleth or the story? Where are the "hooks" ?.

Those questions are going to be covered in the next (few) part(s) of the story, which I am currently working on. It will reveal more about the kurzen, Arleth's history, his overall personality, and role in society.

What race is Arleth?

I did call Arleth a person, but, because I posted it here, I realize that person could mean human, elf, or dwarf. And, because he's an assassin, people might immediately thinks he's a Dark Elf. He's a human.


I'm not completely sure, but I think "two matched sword swords" is correct, because I want the reader to know that they were made to be identical and to be used together.


Thanks again Ruerl Khan, I'll revise the story and repost it when I've finished.

shadow_walker