The beginning of a saga

[ashdil]

Here the first page of my long saga about Leo von spiergs famely, and the fate's of himself, his father, mother , brother and sister. A more twisted and grim tale has never been told!

Please tell me what you think of it this far.

The twisted fate's of the family Speirgolano

This is the story of a family whom's fate is twisted and cruel, but also filled with love and happy day's. A story between two brothers and there sister. A story with passion, betrayal, death and bitter hatred.
See how the human puppets dance.

Chapter 1:
A day of happiness, and the start to a journey

The sun came up in the east and spread it's dazzling rays over the world. With eyes closed Leonardo felt his body warming up as the sun climed higher. 20 years old, short brown hair and brown eyes, taller then most men and broadsholdered. He drove his fingers thourgh his hair and turned his head to see his older brother coming towards him, wearing clothes fit for a long journey. He himself wore clothes fit to a nobleman of Estelia, in the coulours of his house white yellow and black. On his right sholder was a small sheild showing his famlies crest. He turned so that he could face his brother.
- What do you think? His brother Fredrico turned ariund so that Leonardo could see his outfit.
- It would look great on me, but on you, I don't know? Looking at eachother, both started to laugh.
- Don't you worry, you won't have many women on your journey anyway. Leonardo had been pointing this out to his brother for the hole last year, still he wanted to go, what was wrong with him?

Fredrico was five years older, not as tall, but otherwise very much the same as his little brother in apperance. The two brothers also had a little sister, the beautiful Hanna, 10 years younger the Lenoardo, but already noblemen talked to her father about marrige. She was not with them on this trip to the sea. There father was afraid of seeing her cry, but Leonardo thought that it was to be the old man that cried when he saw his little girl getting smaller and smaller and then vanish and all that was would be open sea. Paul, there father, was getting older, and the famelies ritches was getting smaller for every year. The soldieres hired to guard the famely and aid in war got more expensive for each spring. And so his Leonardo's father had together with other noblemen, had started there plans on an expedision, that would give them enough money and gold to satesfy any dogs of war general. And so the day had finnaly come, the day when the journey to the new land would start. Fredrico would follow his father, and Leonardo's grandfather Carlos would rule in his son's absence, something he had not done for many years, as he already had given his son the chance to rule instead of him a long time ago. The two brothers where both excited as they had heard there grandfather's stories about lands far away, Fredrico allways liking the ones about the jungles in the west, Leonardo favoured the ones about the lands in the far east.
He new that he would not see his bropther and father for many months, perhaps many years! But still he was glad, there name would regain there hounor, and there worries would vanish with the wind.
He would miss his brother, they where like twins, allways competing, but none could best the other in any game or sport.
What noone new was that there fate would be all but happy, more then 20 yeasr would pass before they would meet again. But now things where in motion that noone could stoop, only as the time passes will we know what will happen.

Next, Chapter two: The journey to the new land

[Ar-Earandur]

As far as i can see this is really nice. Not any obvious grammatical errors or anything.

What noone new was that there fate would be all but happy, more then 20 yeasr would pass before they would meet again. But now things where in motion that noone could stoop, only as the time passes will we know what will happen.

So if noone knew/knows why do oyu tell us? I feel it takes away some of the tension you should try to create.

Nice story though

[ashdil]

I put it there becouse this story is somewhat or a remake of the old version. And becouse it is only important to them that it will take so long, for the reader it is to create sadness over how theese two close braothers will have to wait for such a long time before they see eachother again.

Thanks for the tip though